| 20 years old now |
[Jul. 9th, 2008|06:39 pm] |
|
20 years old now and I still find myself lost sometimes. This is a normal feeling that young people feel but with that loss resides internal pain that no matter how you mask, doesn't seem to subside or disappear. I have everything going for me. I'm in college, have loving parents, great friends, health, etc. But there's always something that seems to be missing or not go as planned. I'm in pain now because I feel like such an idiot. I know that the years that I'm living right now are the years where I'm supposed to make mistakes and learn from them but the mistakes that I've made are just so obvious that I feel so stupid to have made them, and so malicious as well. Why do people do what they do? Why do people, despite what they were taught by society, despite what is accepted, still do things that are wrong? I feel as though I will never forgive me, I feel as though this deep black hole in my body will never go away, and pass along. How can one live with such remorse, guilt, and self-hatred. But hey I was prepared for self-hatred, it seems like it's almost biological for me. First came the moloestation, then the eating disorders, then the lies and the secrets. But I'm good at keeping secrets. No one really knew about my eating disorders until later. My parents didn't know about my relationship with him- I suppose that's what made it easier for me to lie to him. And he didn't know about some of my secrets either. Janet why do you inflict pain onto others and to yourself? What the fuck fucked you up in this world for you to not live with any sense of moralilty or whatever else? I hate you Janet. Sometimes I like you but for the most part right now I hate you. he hates me too. He probably wants to kill me. I wonder would he be sad if I died? Would he feel any type of remorse if I inflicted physical pain on myself? Would he regret not saying goodbye if I layed in a casket to rest underground forever? What does it matter? Dying would be easier. Because right now I'm living with emotional pain. I have to walk around with that pain, I have to study with this pain, I have to portray this fake facade to people that everythings alright when it's really not. Walking around and living with this heavy pain is much worse than dying. Because dying would release it. You'd be no more. I think about that sometimes. I think about dying. I think about perhaps using sleeping pills. I think about cutting and stabbing my heart. I think about having a gun and killing me. I think about it I do, but I'm just too chicken to actually do something about it. And plus if I kill myself, he'd get over me... Forget about me forever. See me as this weaklink that took the easy way out, that couldn't handle her emotions. But he never knew what it was like for me and certain difficulties in my life. I wish he could understand, because if he did he wouldn't have ignored them in the past. He wouldn't have run away from them in the past. He's probably over me, with a new girlfriend, a new love, a new heart; while im sitting here basking away at what it once was. and he's absolutely right, i hate that he's absolutely right. i committed an act that is soo illegal in a loving, trusting bond. I broke that partnership. And why? Why the fuck did you do it Janet? It had to have happened because things weren't going right. I feel like partly our society is to blame. After being surrounded by men who don't respect the fact that a woman is in a relationship and will still pursue and push until they get what they want doesn't help. The naivety that i once possessed didn't help. I guess mistakes in life definitely help you learn but i wish i didnt have to learn this way. I wish it didnt turn out this way. he was my best friend, in every single way possible. i gave everything that i could to him. i gave him my heart, my soul, my passion, my body, my life, my time. i didnt give all of that to anyone else. i really thought we were going to be together forever. i thought i would spend the rest of my life with this man. i pictured marrying him with all of his friends there, with all of my friends there. i pictured having a baby boy from him. i wanted this, i still do. you know when people grow up in life, they change. who knows why they change? circle of friends have an influence, school, peer pressure, societal values, etc. ive definitely changed. i think for the better because im growing up, and dealing with my emotions, and learning, being honest, and being more honest with myself. but to be honest certain thoughts that I thought i valued and had were just influenced to me by i think society. because i remember i had this one wish as a 12 year old girl and i wished to be in love with a man who was crazy about me. and my wish came true 4 years later but i didnt know that that wish would also cause me also the most difficult heartache i could imagine. how do people let go of certain emotions so readily and easily but other emotions stick to you like glue. i remember my grandma died when was about to turn 15, about 5 years ago. i remember studying for my 9th grade final exams and my mom coming into my room and saying "docha, grandma died today." and i looked at her with disbelief, speechless, looked down back at my notes and continued to study. i thought to myself what's wrong with me? am i so emotionless that i cant even muster out a single tear for my grandma's death? for 2 years prior I saw her slowly deteriorate. i saw her lose her hair, lose weight, lose her ability to walk, but most importantly lose her ability to love and be optimistic. But who's to blame her. She lost 4 brothers and a dad to the war. she only completed school up until the age of 13. she was forced to migrate to siberia and live there to escape hitler. she was in marriage with whom she did not love in. she divorced and left belarus with her two kids to a foreign place with only 200 dollars in her pocket, and had to start fresh. she remarried only to find her new husband 2 years later dead in their bed. she didnt smoke or drink in her life and still managed to die from ovarian cancer at the age of 75. this woman watched me every single day after i was born, picked me up from elementary school every single day, and made sure that i ate every single day. and for some reason i couldnt release a tear for her. but for him all i do is cry and ive only known him for 3.5 years. see i forget a lot of times all these things about her and what an amazing/difficult life shes had. in our society we forget how important family is. i dunno it seems like were taught that its uncool to love family. she would probably tell me to get over it because she had such a strong personality and shes been through so much that this shit just doesnt seem important to her. and shes right, but the heart is such a strong thing. when uve possessed love and then its gone, and its ur fault- its almost like i cant get over it. it seems like i shouldnt have let go of her that as easily. i dont know, the mind works in such crazy ways sometimes. and how did i get over my uncle situation so fast. my mom's brother used to be my favorite uncle. we used to go over his hosue every sunday, swim in his pool, dance to russian music, eat good food, etc. but something happened when i was about 14 again. he decided to sue us over money issues. and after that my relationship with him was never the same. i never knew that he could be so greedy for money as to actually sue your own sister. hey im no angel ive done stupid shit so i cant really judge but i seemed to let go of that really easily as well. i dont know it's just weird. i let go of my grandma, i moved on. i let go from my uncle, ive moved on, but i cant seem to move on from this. im still in love, im still remorseful, im still in pain, and i cant move on. i cant let go. a part of me doesnt want to let go. i dont want him to let go of me. for a while there i was doing just fine. i was dating other people, seeing what else was out there, but he was always in the back of my mind. comparisons, thoughts, memories, feelings of difference, uncertainty, longing, desires. the dates were fine, they were fun, but they werent the same, the love behind it didnt exist. a part of me doesnt want to find another love. a part of me only wants his love. and who am i kidding, the people i dated were not looking for love. they were looking for a good time. thats the only reason older men are interested in younger women. im not naive anymore, but with them im not looking for love. because my heart still belongs to him, and i feel like my heart will only love him. his love was amazing and so beautiful and hot and pure but obviously there were problems. what kept me going for a while was sveta. shes amazing, she helped me see that life is short, were young once and if we dont live it up these days well lose these years and never have them back. she lost someone too but more profoundly. and i wish he could see that. in a snap i could be gone never to return, in a snap he could be gone. i just want the opportunity to be able to talk to him again, to hear his voice, his laugh, feel his breath, touch his skin, hug him. and maybe, maybe one day hear him say: "Janet, I forgive you. I really do. Because even though you really hurt me, I also realize what an amazing, loving, and giving girlfriend you were." I want him to realize that I wanted to take care of him, to shower him with my heart as I so did, to be a part of his family with his extended family, and to spend my life with him. all i wanted was to have a relationship with his family. i always asked to just come clean with everybody. i wanted to go to the family gatherings and holidays. i SO WANTED that! i wanted them to like me, to accept me, and to see me as one of their own. He never wanted to include me. and i actually did. i wanted him to be close with my friends (that was not the case vice versa), i introduced him to my mom and dad even though they didnt like him, to my dance teacher, to my coworkers, everybody. i wanted everyone to know look this is my man, and im so proud to be his girl. i understand the mistakes i made are so bad, but do those mistakes take away the other million good things that ive done for him and for us. no they dont. so why does the mind always travel to the negative. what about the time we were in santa barbara after halloween, and i dried his shorts with a blow drier while he went to breakfast. he called me the wifey. what about the countless times i bought him lunch because i knew he was underfed, and had no food at home. what about the millions of times he drove my car. what about the time that i gave him a facial and a massage when all i wanted was a rubdown but was so happy to give him one because i truly wanted him to feel good and bliss. my heart was so invested that i almost cared about him more than me. i put his feelings ahead of mine at times. and i was so happy to do it mostly because i loved him that much. i still love him. i know people may say well if u love him that much why did u do what u did. and my answer is I dont fuckin know. Part of it was the temptation, part of it was the fact that i didnt know what the hell was going on, and part of it had to do with the fact that despite how much we loved each other, things werent perfect. and im not justifying it whatsoever but no one can take away that i loved him. no one can take away that i was his first love. and it angers me that people even question my love for him because it exists. and i shouldnt fuckin have to justify it. i love him. and what i hate is the fact that i proved his dad right, but he also proved his dad right. i lied to him just like his dad predicted but hes no angel either. he lied to his dad for 3.5 years, he went against his dads wishes, he didnt reveal to me certain things that went on, therefore hes no angel either. so to make me out to be the devil is just wrong i tell u wrong. i dont wish discussing this anymore so right now, i decease from the topic, just felt that i needed to release my inner pain. until tomorrow. if tomorrow even comes for me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2006|02:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  dont care | ] |
Ok so after the longest time I really need to write my emotions. Things are not going well with me unfortunately, I finally fell to the brink of my extreme. After two years of obsessing, thinking, and worrying I can't take it anymore! I can't handle my deepest problem anymore! If my only option is to live with it, then I would much rather not live. I hate how my parents act like theyre so supportive because once their little angel shows any sign of emotional distress they turn into devils. My mom declared to me today that she's tired of me having my problems, that I am crazy, that I create these problems for myself, that I'm stupid, that I'm unappreciative, and that I'm not allowed to feel the way I feel. So just because I'm not starving child in Africa I'm not allowed to feel the way I feel. She told me, actually yelled like a madwoman, that she is no longer going to pay for my loans, and that I am on my own. I realized though that I have always been on my own. This is why I never reveal to her of my deep psychological feelings. They will never ever understand. She created drama today and she acted like it was all about her. "What the hell do you want me to do?" she said. They abandoned me yesterday, I tried telling them how I felt and they totally left, said I can't deal with you anymore, and left. I am truly all alone with this. And they wonder why I don't tell them anything. I can't hate what I see any longer, and no matter how many people tell me I'm beautiful it's not going to matter until I believe it, and I don't know how to believe it. I make such a big effort for positive change and it doesn't work. And this crap has been going on for two years and I can't handle it anymore. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to hurt myself, and even die. And then I wonder why I'm thinking these thoughts, these aren't normal thoughts to think. If my parents ever found out about these thoughts they wouldn't take it as a cry for help, they in turn would put me in a mental institution and lock me up. And they still wonder why I'm closed with them. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of having a bad relationship with food, I'm tired of hating the person that I am. I hate that I am so depressed that I can't show people the good side of me, I always have to show them my mean side because I can't stand living. I know the impressions that I give off and I hate it. I'm as ugly on the inside as I am out. I hate this feeling of hopelessness, I hate my mother, and I hate my father, but most of all I hate the person that I have become. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 8th, 2005|09:46 pm] |
|
hey everyone, i donated blood today, it was not as bad as i thought it would be at all. i practically couldnt feel it, only at the beginning it stung. it feels rewarding that i did something good. im really frustrated about something. today for norman news we were supposed to film a show, and i was supposed to anchor. and i did my part completely, i read my stories a million times to make sure i memorized them, i practiced my voice tones, diction, name pronunciation, eye contact, facial expression, picked out a dignified outfit, wore my makeup, and this was just the night before. the day of i was excited, energetic, ready to do the news, be happy, and i felt that my performance would've been great. so we start and we do the opening, the technical crew messes up, and they didnt even bother starting all over, they just gave up and they said, whatever we're not doing it. ive tolerated so much with that new class and new teacher, but now its time to stand up for myself. its my senior year, my last year, i gave up honors spanish for that class. finally i get to be anchor and producer, ive paid my dues in that high school, it's not fair. the new teacher is so condescending, he treats us so bad, he gives us attitude for no reason, he doesnt know how to use any of the equipment, and he's not teaching the new kids anything. and dont get me started on those new kids, those mother fuckers dont give a shit about anything. y r they even in that class then? its so hard coming into that class this year because in the years prior, the people were so passionate about wat they did, u could tell they truly wanted to do it, they loved it, they had energy, no one would ever shun me away when i asked for a cameraman, and this year those guys are reluctant to do anything. we are all so frustrated, especially me. this year ive truly realized how passionate for journalism i am. ive met people in the business, and listened to their insight, and have seen the facilities, and i want that career so bad, and i want to use my school's resources to practice and grow to be the best that i can be, and be a step ahead of the game, and i cant do that. just because those kids dont care y should i have to suffer. this is the first year where ive sat at that anchor desk and wasn't nervous at all, I had the good adrenaline in me, i was excited, and ready to give off my smiles and energy. i wanna show people wat i can do. i want to put together a portfolio. and i dont think im asking for much. its wat i love. i just wish they could get it together. and i have no idea wat the fate of the show is going to be. if we try and do one next tuesday that messes us up because the stuff that was newsworthy this week wont be next week, and we have to change the whole schedule. he doesnt realize that. i dont know how to stand up for msyelf because everytime i try and talk to him, he gives me excuses, cuts me off, and gives me his attitude. what right does he have talking to students like that, especially to students who care. and im afraid that if im up front and say wat i feel that i will have to face some consequences because i no i have no freedom of speech rights in school, and if i get on his bad side then ill have even less chances of him doing something for me. and how can i motivate the techies to do their job if theres like no hope for them. and if i had more time i would complain to the board of education but thats not really going to do much because they have lots more on their agenda, and a little news show to them isnt a big deal. im just so frustrated as usual. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 1st, 2005|10:22 pm] |
|
all of u out there, dont make promises u cant keep. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2005|11:13 pm] |
|
hey guys, been busy lately, and dealing with lots of emotions. old feelings resurfaced about my body and such, so I've been dealing with that and trying to get it under control. and let's see wat else. just trying to deal with things day by day as it came. im feeling like im being taken for granted and unloved. and i really feel that i dont do the same because i try and make an effort to make things better, and i review what things were like in the past and remember the good times, and appreciate everything, and i do get my hopes up, but then i get crushed, and i get so desensitized, that i feel like i dont even have a heart anymore. and its not like this had been happening for a couple of days it's been more like a couple of weeks. if i have one day of sereness and composure, it equals to about a week of pain, tears, and distress. im jealous of other peoples' relationships, whatever it may be. i miss what it used to be like, im just having problems. if things don't get better, im not sure how im going to deal with it. alright later gators. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2005|08:19 pm] |
|
listening to all these lovey dovey things makes me sick. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 6th, 2005|09:23 pm] |
|
I had a great weekend. EVen though for two days i was cooped up in the house, doing my homework and other work, i got to spend the other two days of my break with my boo. on tuesday during the day anna and i hung out at the beverly center, and we went to sephora, and i saw some pre-teen girls trying on a bunch of makeup and giggling and i couldnt help but think that we used to be just like them. it reminded me of those days in camp where every friday we'd go to the movies either at the grove or beverly center and then visit bath and body works or skinmarket and put on abunch of glitter on our eyes. lol. wow we mustve looked like tammy fay. lol. now that i look back i wonder what the salespeople thought of us, or what mila thought of us when we'd come back for lunch with blotchy eyes. lol. and then i remember moments in camp where sofia would do julias makeup and criticise her for never wearing any and not knowing how to put it on. yea well nothings changed there. lol. it's so hilarious. yea so we walked around and i bought Will a toy plane for our 8 months of bliss. well not completely but i wouldnt change any of it. yea and then we went to melrose to urban outfitters and come back and anna realizes she got a ticket. $45, as if she's not in debt already. so later that evening im with will and we went to see 40 year old virgin. it was funny. they should make the movie seats snugglier coz towards the end i found myself lying down and using 3 seats to get comfortable on his lap. it was a great night, i love spending time with him because we don't get to do so often. especially on so called real dates. i wish he could just pick me up from my house, ring the doorbell, say hi to my parents, tell them he'd have me home by ___ and then we'd leave. and of course id get all dressed up for him, taking forever to get ready. coz that's what i want the most, i want real dates. but it wont happen so ill consider what we do now real dates. and the next day i got a relaxing facial, except i thought i was going to die when she was steaming my face coz it was so hot. and after my facial i went to see will and we both went to marina del rey at the beach. it was great, i loved it. dipping our feet in the water, lying down staring at each other, talking about things like our childhoods, kissing, hugging, being there, watching the sunset. i wouldnt trade any of it. he's my boo boo, lol. i love my boo boo. and i feel great now because i got lots of things done today so i feel accomplished. tis a great feeling. i miss u ladies up north. lol. i hope ur having fun, cant wait to see u. wish u guys would be here for halloween. i love u everyone. Janet. o and I got a B on my Calculus test!!!!! im so happy!!!!!!!!!!!! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2005|03:58 pm] |
|
ive had my license for oficially one year, since yesterday. so now i can drive between 12 and 5 AM. im trying to find som ething else i can do right now because im like procrastinating on my essays and i have to write a philosophy paper that i dont want to do. ugghhh y cant i just buckle down. ok im gonna do it starting now lets go janet |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2005|09:47 pm] |
|
my baby did the best thing for me, he came to school to visit me and completely surprised me. it was the best surprise ever. it doesnt seem like much but it meant so much to me because i missed him so much, considering i hadnt seen him since last wednesday. i love him so much. i opened the door to the parking lot, and there he was standing right next to my car. at that moment i forgot about everything, dropped my stuff, and yelled "BABY!" and ran to him and gave him the biggest hug and kiss. it was so precious. his kisses were so warm, so inviting, so sexy, i got sooo horny. just throw me in the back seat, lol. omg hes an amazing person. i love him to death. i love surprises like those. i couldnt take my hands off of him, i couldnt stop kissing him, lol. i cant believe im saying this but i wanna fuck him soo bad. lol. i cant believe i just said that. i cant believe weve been together for over 7 months. i cant believe that my devotion to him is so strong. there are many cute guys but to me it's just like i dont care, i have my man and im happy. i cant look at them and feel for them the way i feel for will. i love u baby. mwa. i love u forever. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2005|07:22 pm] |
|
I love that now I can actually do the things I want to do and have more time for it. COmpared to last year school days seem so short. I started school last year at 7:00 am and end at 2:36 pm. and on wednesdays I'd be there from 7:00 am til 3:22 pm. and this year its 8:00 am til 1:00 pm. and on wednesdays this year i go from 9:38 am til 1:00 pm. thats just so great for me. i guess all the years of past hard work and labor, and periods 1 and 8 finally paid off. this year my only concern is college applications, and a few of my classes, but im not stressing just yet. senior year is great. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 27th, 2005|04:17 pm] |
|
The reunion between Will and I was so great, I missed him soo much, and I can't wait to see him again. LAst night we had such a great conversation. And the reunion between Julia and I was great too, I came to visit her and I showed her my art work, and showed her pictures of Greece, and we talked, and she gave me good advice on colleges and such. So I'm very happy. And today we had dance class again for the first time in a long time, and I honestly did not realize how much I missed it, I was glad to be back. I've come to realize that those friends who I had classes with in the past and bonded with and really enjoyed their company doesn't necessarily mean continuation of friendship, because if I have doubts that me and that friend will keep in touch, then usually it means that if we don't have a class together then we'll lose track of each other, and go off into our worlds, and forget about each other. It doesn't matter to me, I know who my true friends are and that's all that matters. Tonight I have my uncles birthday party, and tomorrow I have another wedding to go to, and I'm really excited. I'm just having lots of fun, and staying busy. And I like it that way so far. Hopefully I won't get too busy, just busy enough. But I highly doubt with college stuff coming up. My classes are cool, it's not the same though, but I'm looking forward to senior year. I'm missing the movie awards tomorrow coz of the wedding but it's aight, no point in Ti vo-ing it either coz they rerun it so many times. Love you guys, til next time. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|01:10 pm] |
|
hey everyone im back from greece. not really jetlagged anymore, but um wat can i say, greece was amazing. i just cant explain it u know, u have to go experience it to fully understand and respect the culture, the people, the islands, the food, everything. i suggest everyone to go visit greece at least one time in their life. i dont know if people will love the bouzouki music as much as i did, but when u go to greece and sit in a restaurant and listen to the music at a real taverna and feel as though u cant sit in ur seat anymore and have to stand up and dance, then thats really somethin. and in a culturally filled place where they party every night at night and sleep in during the day, thats when u know that they really enjoy life. and if u cant even respect that ull at least love the greek food. every single place that i went to, restaurants, cafes, homes, etc, i never had a complaint about greek food. it was so tasty and soo good. there were so many days where i just let go and actually didnt care and ate really well. i had this one experience in paros, one of the Greek islands, and we went to a tavern called regas taverna, and they had live bouzouki music. and to get the full real experience my parents and i went in at 10:00 PM to have a really late dinner, at least for us Americans. and we ordered some great food, like lamb souvlaki, dolma, tsaziki, and my parents ordered mythos beer. and the waiters were so sweet, and they even brought my parents a shot of ouzo (greek vodka) on the house. and i just sat there listening to the music, and its the style that i like called zepekiko, and i look over at my dad and hes almost in tears because his father, or my grandfather used to live in greece and he spoke greek perfectly and played the bouzouki and he used to play those exact songs to my dad when my dad was a child. and he was remembering his childhood and his parents and i was just floured. i couldnt sit in my chair anymore i had to get up and dance because the music had such heart and such feeling, and i just got up and i started to dance and then my dad joined, and even some other people from different tables joined us, and they didnt even know us but they were yelling opa, and bravo, and cheering, and that just shows me the kind of people they are, then the waiters came up to me and they walked me over to a front table and i danced on the table, it was just amazing, and finally i broke a plate, and yelled OPA!!!!! i loved it. im gonna go back definitely to greece. the people are just so warm, and now that i think about it, every restaurant that we went to gave us something on the house. whether it was coffee, fruit, dessert, alcohol. i wanna tell u guys everything, but theres just so much. i know theres one person i can count on to listen to every single detail. thats my best girl julia. shes a great listener. love u girl. i missed everyone so much. even though i had such a great experience, i was very homesick. i missed lots of people. i missed will soooooooo much, i missed my amigas, zack, and sepand mostly. and then yesterday i was a bridesmaid for my cousins wedding, a day after i arrived. it was really really fun too. i mean yes i was tired because we did lots of standing for pictures and video shots and whatnot but the evening was so fun. the reception. it was a great continuation after greece. because i danced literally all night to armenian music, and russian music, and techno, and rap, and upbeat pop, and my dad ordered greek for me, salsa. ughhhh ive been having such a great time, and my cousin who got married shes so sweet. like she worried about me so much, coz im the youngest and u know i might feel out of place in her group. she was really worried about that, i mean i was fine but she worried a lot. every 5 minutes she kept on asking janet are we good, u doing okay? like imagine this is ur wedding day, so many people calling, surrounding u, so many responsibilities, and no time, and she still found the time to always check up on me, and ask me if im ok, and worry. thats wat i call a great cousin. i love her so much. and she was there for me that time that i was really scared about something. and my partner that she paired me with his name is sam was great too. he looked out for me also. he made sure i was ok, and comfortable with everyone, he cracked jokes, always offered me food and drinks, made sure i wasnt hungry, danced with me. i had a great time this past month, in greece and the wedding, and seeing the amigas and zack and sepand the day i got back. man i dont want it to end. if life were like that every day, no one would be sick, everyone would be healthy, and happy. so for the last few days that i have, im gonna enjoy before school. and next weekend i go to another wedding but as a guest, but im gonna have fun there too. im excited. the party's not gonna stop for me. im so happy and delighted right now. i love u guys so much, and i missed u all when i was in greece. please call me id love to tell all of u about all my experiences there, ok. love u guys. mwa. Janet |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 4th, 2005|03:19 pm] |
|
o and i love u will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my baby i love u !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 4th, 2005|03:18 pm] |
|
hey im in greece. i miss all u guys. well my time is almost up coz i emailed everyone. i mis u guys love u. mwa. hope theres no drama or anything. have a great time in LA everyone. hope ur thinking of me coz im thinking of u. love u guys bye. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|08:33 am] |
|
hey everyone, yea im up early. i cant really sleep. i woke up early today. i guess im excited and kind of nervous and a little bit sad coz im leaving for greece. im gonna be gone so long. im gonna miss out on so much, its terrible. well hopefully everyone will miss me and think of me at least once. thats all i ask. and if u think im not gonna be thinking of u ur wrong because im going to be thinking of each and every one of u. even though im a little sad because im gonna miss so many of u, i think im a little more excited. and i guess this is a great opportunity. guys fill me in on what happens when im gone because im gonna keep like a journal and stuff. zack called me yesterday while he was in CHina. it was sweet, i love zack. i also love will. God im gonna miss him so much. i dont know what im going to do without him for this long. i wish he couldve seen me on my last night. ugghh and my amigas, i love u guys so much. thanks for being there. and sepand, thanks so much for signing up for me. i love u guys all so so very much. have a great 3 weeks while im gone, think of me please, mwa. i love u all. bye. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2005|01:09 pm] |
|
im excited about tonight, except my head hurts. i guess it's the heat. i had a good time with zack last night, thanks zack for the movie and everything. and i enjoyed myself with sepand, hannah, steph, and zack at cpk. u guys are Highlarious. hope u guys had fun at rocky horror. and coffee bean was fun with the amigas and roman. man another freaky thing happened last night, so what is it like the millionth freaky thing for julia and like the first for me. jeez, we were just sitting in my car talking and then a guy tries to open my door. thank goodness my windows and doors were locked. man i miss will. i really wish he could come tonight. its so disappointing and unfair. now hes on 3 weeks punishment because his dad cant trust him. he doesnt deserve this. im sorry baby. i love u. and im leaving for greece next weekend so i better see him. i need my love. its hard. i wanna see hustle and flow, who wants to come? see u all party people tonight. love u guys. and im excited that soi is finally coming back tonight. yeay. she needs to catch up. alright im finally gonna end this entry, bye everyone |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|04:27 pm] |
|
i try and do something nice, i try and express my feelings, i try and pour my heart out and be genuine. and for what? nothing. nothing at all. im done. and as GOD AS MY WITNESS IF ANYONE COMMENTS ON THIS WITH NEGATIVE COMMENTS OR NOTHING NICE I'LL GET EVEN MORE HEATED THAN I AM AT THE MOMENT AND NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT!!!! BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS PISSED IN A LONG TIME AND IF I GET EVEN MORE HEATED GOD HELP ME. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2005|08:17 pm] |
|
so i feel kinda bad because i feel like im leaving a friend behind or something. i mean we all have lives u know. like some of us travel, some of us work, some of us go to school, and when an invitation to go out just doesn't seem so appealing like going to a movie u dont really care to see well u just dont see the point in going because it's like a waste of time to some degree. and it's not like me and this friend dont ever see each other anymore or dont talk or hang out anymore, thats not the case, but i feel like i select my activities with more scrutiny nowadays. i go to school, i go to the gym, i do my hw, and many other like measly chores or activities, so i feel like i shouldnt feel bad. im also trying to save my money because i did open another savings account and a checking account all on my own and i want to put it to good use. now ofcourse im still going to go out and spend my money because i dont desire becoming a hermit, but i just feel like maybe this person should occupy him or herself with something to do. like get on the bandwagon too. i dont know i just feel a little guilty. i also resent the fact that i neglect certain friendships i think. now the amigas are my top priority, never do i believe or allow myself to neglect them. and ofcourse my very special someone who i cant bear to go a day without talknig to. but then there are those others. like i miss sepand so much. i hate that our summer school classes are so far away, and i really hope we have the same classes again senior year, and hopefully we will since he is signing up for me. but i miss the guy so much, because i love talking to him, gossiping, and giving him advice, and he's been there through those times that ive been sad, or times when i needed to vent about spanish, and hes tolerated my bitchiness so many times. hes so great and im gonna make an effort to see him. and then theres zack, now i know he can get annoying at times, but ya still gotta love the guy. hes so generous with how well he treats me to lets say lunch, or birthdays, or any other days. hes the only true person that came to our concert, he made me feel so special on my birthday, so i dunno. im gonna try and make an effort with him too. and theres stephanie, which im kinda disappointed in to tell u the truth. ofcourse i know she has a life and boy do i know i have one, and were both busy but i miss her too. in PE we would always gossip, talk about our bitchy mothers, our crazy weekends, and friends, and all of that, and i just miss the girl. i really wish shed try to make an effort too u know, coz i have been trying. and i signed her yearbook telling her that we cannot drift apart because i actually did want to stay very good friends with her. and then theres roman who i feel i havent truly talked to in forever. i mean we both told each other we would call each other more often but we both have relationships, and seperate lives, so i do understand, and he was there for me that day that i was freaking out over something. so i really aprreciate him. and theres oliver, whom i have not heard from or seen in a while. i mean i really did try and make plans with him to hang out but he couldnt, and then i called him again after, but he didnt return my call so what can u do. i understand too he does have a life as well and so do i. i wanna hang out with sveta more too. i dunno man, there are so many people i wanna c but theres not enough time for all of it. i wish i had more time. what is time really? weve debated this in math class. and ofcourse im gonna be going to greece which im really excited about but then again i dont want to miss out on the things my friends are gonna be doing here. i really wish iwas here for self scheduling, and i wish i was here so that i could make plans with more people. i just miss everyone that ive mentioned. theres also max and even vernon i kinda wanna hang out with. im gonna try and do something about it. i love u all and i appreciate u all. and im not mad at anyone nor would i hold a grudge with u because i am as well guilty as charged because i have a life and u all have a life so its definitely understandeable. i miss u everyone, i love everyone as well. this is what i had to pour out to everyone. *Janet* |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|04:04 pm] |
|
im back lots of drama with other families. long story if u guys wanna know but whatever. anywayz ive had two great days. yesterday i went to griffith park with will and now im back from greystone park again with will. im so happy i finally saw him. the past 2 weeks have been like hell for me because of my self esteem and self worth, and withdrawal, and lonliness, and jealousy, and all this drama. some of it not over, some of it subsided, and some of it even forgotten. so im in a good mood at the moment. im dead tired and i miss people. ive been calling jules but i guess the girl's busy with school and the DA's office. so ill try again to call everyone later. in a lil bit im gonna pick up my mother from work. and I'm getting an A+ in Art I'm so proud of myself. SO I guess now ill do some art hw, thanks guys. oh and also these freshman kids are so annoying and different. i cant believe there was a time when i used to be as immature as them, and think like them. glad im out of that. aight everyone, love ya. bye. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2005|11:17 am] |
|
so its the morning after and i wanna thank all my friends who aknowledged me on my birthday, because i was feeling like crap two nights before but yesterday showed me that i do have people that care in my life and im really lucky. those who i wanna thank especially are julia, zack, will, anna b, sveta, and anna. and i also want to thank those that remembered to give me a call- roman, oliver, max, katya, ilona, stephanie, my uncle gregory, and my parents. my mini birthday was pretty fun, it was simple but turning 17 doesnt call for a huge extravaganza, thats next year. so thanks again you guys for the gifts, the laughter, your company, i enjoyed it very much, and we definitely have to have more days like these. i love u guys and gals very much. mwa. im happy to be 17 now, my sweet 16th year is gone, and it saddens me a little but im more happy that its gone. im ready to move on and grow up some more. alright so enough of my babbling. love u guys. bye. thank u again. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
shinylips06's journal